This Super Power Changes Lives

December 2019

Empathy is the ability to authentically connect with people by feeling WITH them and so we have a better understanding of their experience. Growing up, some of us were not taught how to have empathy and rather instructed to avoid having uncomfortable emotions. The latter can include feelings of sadness, stress, fear or anything that deviates from emotions associated with the standard presentation of yourself. Emotions are our superpower – they are our instincts but rather than trusting the brain in our heart, we opt for the brain in our head. Yes, we sadly decide to listen to the brain in our head that deviously spends most of the day creating fictional stress-inducing stories.

Sometimes we find ourselves in unexpected and uncomfortable situations and in order to regain control, we decide to educate ourselves thoroughly before allowing support from others. I recently found out that a good friend of mine had a cancer diagnosis since April and that another close girlfriend dealt with a breast cancer scare alone. After finally hearing the news from my friends, I Lovingly yelled at both of them and reminded them that everything is energy. When we go at it alone, all of that energy stays within our bodies and intensifies. When we allow someone to be a witness to our experience, the energy flows, the stuck emotions are released and we feel lighter. The power in allowing people to be present with us in the uncomfortable emotion is called empathy.

Did you know that empathy was a natural reaction until we were told to stop having emotions because it made people uncomfortable? I Love Levi! (18-sec video)

I have witnessed people avoid uncomfortable conversations for YEARS because they are afraid of the "feels". We are emotional beings but why does asking for emotional help feel so gross? Most of us are raised to fear and avoid emotional vulnerability since it’s often perceived to be an indication of weakness. We never want to be a burden, but these suppressed emotions eventually evolve to become stuck energy and will always show up another way such as an illness or an angry outburst. None of those are beneficial to anyone.

So how do we overcome this? Here are a few options to help initiate the conversation.

1. I have found the best way to ask for help is to not think about the judgment and just begin. Follow Mel Robbins 5-second rule (5 min video), so that you do not talk yourself out of it.

1. If you need something a little more scripted, try this conversation starter. "Hi friend, this is hard for me, but I have been feeling -insert emotion- do you mind just sitting with me? I don't need you to fix anything. I just want your company." You can also try asking "Have you ever had ‘this’ experience? How did you handle it?"

1. Maybe talking is too big of a step so allow yourself to start smaller. Many times, I will ask for a long hug or I will give a hug. As I was writing this, I got up to get something and my youngest daughter asked for a hug. Talk about good feelers! I have screwed my kids up in many ways, but all of them will ask for hugs and I Love that.

Now that you’ve initiated contact, what’s next? Everyone will react differently based on their programming or their stress level that day; I know I do. Most of us want to be helpers. We want to be kind, but we find ourselves stressed, so we may react differently on different days. Please receive what you can and don't take how they show up personally. Some will go into their old programming, but most people will sit, BE and breathe with you. Please receive the connection and say thank you. That’s all you have to do. Well, maybe throw in a deep exhale for good measure, but keep the gratitude simple.

I have also found that being a helper has allowed me to open up a bit more with my close friends. To be a helper, I had to become a feeler. THAT is the challenge. Even though it is vulnerable, it is soul-fulfilling. I think Brene Brown explains empathy best. - Please take a moment to watch this video. (3 min)

Humans need humans. We were never meant to do this alone.
Start with you. Begin to practice empathy and watch those around you learn and grow because of your example.

Much Love,
Dena

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