Who You Aren't

Written by Tracey Painter

I read an article the other day where it asked the reader if you were living by who you ARE, or if you are living by who you AREN’T. For example, are you living to NOT be like someone such as a parent, sibling, friend, relative, boss, etc? Are you spending all your time trying to NOT be something/someone as opposed to just being who you are? Are you fighting against the current when you don’t have to?

I was victimized as a child. So, I spent most of my life after that doing everything I could NOT to be a victim. Not to be a product of that abuse. In fact, I have spent so much time trying not to be a victim that I have eliminated a lot of just living, really. By spending my entire life trying to control myself, my environment, and those around me to “protect” myself, I have created a challenging lifestyle. Not just a personality quirk. No! An entire lifestyle. This is how I live my life. That makes me sad.

I’ve also spent most of my life trying not to be like my dad. I love art. I get my artistic abilities from my dad. I do not like my dad. So, I do not like to associate myself with my artistic abilities very often. If I’m in the best of moods, I’ll do it. But to use it as an expression of myself in times of distress, when I could use an outlet or a release, I don’t use it because I don’t want to be ANYTHING like my dad, even though he was artistically talented. I don’t want to look like him, act like him, or have any of his personality traits. That’s completely impossible! It’s DNA! That’s me fighting the current. Me not allowing REAL parts of me come out. It’s exhausting trying to push everything out completely, instead of just the parts of him that were bad, hurtful, or destructive.

I realized recently that it’s okay to have problems due to the pain and suffering I’ve had in my life. Not as an excuse to go around hurting others or myself, but as something that will create more of a challenge in my life in certain areas. Things to work on, yes. And sometimes things about myself that I have just to accept because I was forever changed by those events. And that’s okay. I don’t get to be perfect in this lifetime. I can only hope to be surrounded by others who get that and love me enough to stay, even when I am desperately trying to gain control or am emotionally stunted.

Now I’m wondering who am I in the YES column. I absolutely know who I’m NOT, what I don’t like, traits and behaviors I don’t want to emulate, what I don’t want to do. But seriously, I’m not sure who I am in the positive. I know some stuff. A couple of things. But I look back and see thestruggle. Fighting the current. Going upstream. Focusing on the NOT.

Now I have a new perspective and can catch myself when I’m telling myself who I’m not. Then I can turn it around and see who I am. I can start to make decisions based on positive actions instead of fear, white-knuckle endurance, panic, control, and reacting to outside people and situations. I want to move forward in the positive, in the who I AM. Do you?